Reykjavik, Iceland - The government of this small island country voted unanimously to place warning labels on every Bible. Not only will the cover of each and every tome have a warning, but there are to be reminders placed throughout the so-called holy book to remind readers they are putting their hearts and minds at risk.
Warnings Explained
The public health dangers placed on cigarettes inspired the warnings. The government of Iceland looked around the globe and saw what other countries put on packages of cancer sticks.
"We wanted to utilize what worked best for other nations," explained Prime Minister Andrew Canard while snacking on eel cakes. "We need to make sure our citizens are aware of the dangers implicit in reading the Bible and taking it seriously."
The new warnings include but are not limited to:
- Taking the Bible literally can lead to irrational decision making.
- Reading the Bible to young children is shown to cause nightmares and bedwetting.
- The Bible contains God approved genocide, misogyny, and a serious lack of humor.
- Reading the Bible has been shown to cause an outbreak of Donald Trump.
- Reading the Book of Revelation is positively correlated with speaking in tongues and other psychotic events.
- This new statute also demands that every Bible sold must be wrapped in plastic. The intent is to keep small children from picking up the book and reading verses like Psalm 137:9 Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks.
The warning message must cover 35% of the front and 112% of the back. While the law doesn't require images of skull and crossbones, some publishers are using it. The strategy is to market the holy book of Christians in a punk rock style and making it look as edgy and dangerous as possible.
Reactions
Those watching Icelandic affairs are not surprised by this turn of events. Ever since Iceland declared Christianity a public health hazard the situation on the ground evolved quickly. Fearing for its safety in the age of resurgent toxic Christianity in the United States, the small nation issued a travel ban against American televangelists as well as white Southern Baptists.
The Catholic Church along with other Christian sects are demanding the new law requiring warning labels on Bibles be struck down immediately.
"How can the Church operate in an environment where there is truth in advertising?" exclaimed one anonymous priest. "It's absurd."
Presidential hopeful former Vice President Mike Pence is seeking ways to apply pressure and force Iceland to change its secular ways. The recent prayer offensive against Iceland proved ineffective. The next faith-based attack will include more churches. Prayer warriors are being instructed to pray 20% louder for the LORD to hear their prayers more effectively.
